MINI With a Big Mouth

In my many years as a ghostwriter for a leading exec of Volkswagen, there was one joke that was always shot down. Early VW navigation systems gave you the voice prompt “die Route wird berechnet.” Which translates to “the route is being calculated.” It could also be understood as “I’ll charge you for the whip.” My one-liner that a new VW comes with a factory-standard dominatrix was always suppressed. I wonder why.

I was reminded of my dark past when I opened Automobilwoche [sub] today, only to read that BMW intends to turn their Minis into a gabfest on wheels. Carrying the moniker “mission control,” electronics will listen to the traffic on the car’s CAN bus, and then the gizmo will drown you with clever remarks.

When you turn on the windshield wipers, a voice will remind you that wet roads can be slippery. If you take a turn Baruth-style, you’ll get a tongue-wag from mission control. Of course, an unfastened seat belt will receive an appropriate remark. Hop in the car, and you’ll be bothered by blather about all systems being nominal, except for the next scheduled service that will be due in two hundred forty five point nine miles.

Product Manager Florian Reuter proudly revealed that the system reacts to 120 events, and that it possesses a frightening repertoire of 1500 comments, easily thumping the communication skills of the typical product of America’s public school system.

A new system like this must have shades of green. Expect oodles of prattle pertaining to the political and environmental correctness of youse [Ed. Public school, B?] driving style.

Mission control will come standard with the Mini 50 Camden, celebrating the big Five-Oh of the Mini. Later, it will infest other Minis, even a retrofit for older speechless Minis is planned. Will the nattering nonsense spread to BMWs? “Totally thinkable” rants Reuter.

BMWs won’t come with factory-standard dominatrixes. They will come with a built-in nanny that talks nineteen to the dozen.