2023 BMW X7 Review - Go With The Flow

Maybe I need to reconsider these newfangled “Sports Utility Vehicles” and their “crossover” brethren. They have, seemingly overnight, become surprisingly popular - in one unscientific study, I’m estimating that these two related subgenres of tall wagons work out to roughly 74 out of every 20 cars on the road.

If you’re wondering why I’m a writer today and not the mechanical engineer I aspired to be when I was 15, you can look at the above statement as well as my failure in high-school AP Calculus for an answer. 

Anyhow, it seems these things aren’t going anywhere. They keep growing larger and taller, Tower of Babel-ing their way upward so drivers can see the traffic signal ahead as they sit, ever idling in traffic surrounded by their ilk. So we must acknowledge their presence and even admit their suitability for certain drivers and their needs. The 2023 BMW X7 M60i xDrive you see before you is one of those which, by function of cost and size, must only fit a relatively few - but who is that driver? 

A gander at the data panel above answers that question in brief. For the price of a starter home in rural parts of the country - or a month’s rent on a Chelsea studio - you can have a six-seat chariot capable of hurtling across vast swaths of tarmac at frightening velocity. Indeed, my time with the X7 coincided with a drive across a few states, and the mind-numbing sameness of Indiana pushed my right foot downward on the right pedal a bit more forcefully than allowed by law. 

A Taco Bell drive-through employee, in conversation as I waited for a Baja Blast and a quesadilla, inquired about the speeds achievable as he glanced across the matte blue hood toward what had to be his clapped-out third-gen F-body in the adjacent parking lot. I demurred at the implied challenge, only hinting at the triple-digit speeds that had flashed upon the dash panel only minutes before in a moment of Hoosier-state-induced ennui.

Sanity and a license preservation instinct, fortunately, prevailed for most of my remaining drive, made difficult by the ease at which the Big Blue Bimmer Behemoth covered ground. The X7, despite the steamroller 22” wheels and accompanying 275/40 (front) and 315/35/22 (rear) tires, glides across pavement effortlessly. The suspension, while firm and certainly unyielding when encountering massive potholes, otherwise handles the pavement jungle both urban and interstate with aplomb. Five hundred and twenty-three willing horses make throttle restraint the biggest challenge one might encounter outside finding suitable parking for a 203.6-inch three-row vehicle. 

No, it’s not pretty. It’s damned near impossible for anyone not on a Bavarian payroll to honestly say that a current BMW has been styled with the beauty and restraint the company was once known for. It’s almost enough to make one pine for the heady days of Chris Bangle. But the ever-expanding grille and brutal lines throughout the X7 clearly are not going away any time soon. Judicious use of black trim where chrome might otherwise sparkle does tame things a bit.

The interior, conversely, looks rather good. Yeah, the black leather paired with black carbon fiber (simulated?) throughout does seem a bit dour, but it’s a comfortable place to while away the miles, front or rear. The third row is actually usable, though knee room is a bit tight. BMW’s latest infotainment remains frustrating, however, as it takes far too many twiddles and twists of the selector knob to access all the functions that were once a singular button push away. The big screen is bright and clear, thankfully, because God knows you’ll be looking at that screen plenty.

You’ll be looking at the nav screen for fuel stops rather frequently on those cross-country jaunts, too. I suppose that considering both the mass of this thing and the serious power on tap an 18mpg combined rating is actually impressive, but it’s vehicles like these that are giving the pearl-clutchers ammunition to take away our cars. A light foot kept well away from the boost is needed to refrain from excessive premium-octane-only dead dinosaur consumption.

This is, I’m afraid, the buyer for the 2023 BMW X7 M60i. One who can not sweat when faced with a petroleum crisis, pending or current. Those who can manage to be liquid when faced with a shortage of fluids. It’s big money to buy, and big money to feed. But for those who have the means, it’s an undeniable presence.

[Images: © 2023 Chris Tonn/TTAC.com]

Become a TTAC insider. Get the latest news, features, TTAC takes, and everything else that gets to the truth about cars first by  subscribing to our newsletter.